Happy Monday to all! Huzzah!
2nd Monday of unemployment and I feel myself starting to get depressed. Staying home with nowhere to go for at least 8 hours is no fun. I’m starting to go to bed later and get up later, as in go to bed at 4AM and get up at 1PM. Not good. For me. Of course, there are places I can go, but it’s pretty much going from sitting in one place to sitting in the other. Yes, a change of scenery is good, but you can only do so much with no paycheck coming in. I made a vow to not buy any clothing/shoes/jewelry for one year, so shopping is out. Of course, I can buy books (my favorite thing). More to come about the year of no shopping in a later blog.
Lest this sound like it’s going to be a self-pitying rant, I know that one of my bipolar triggers is unstructured time, hence the reason for this blog, as well as my renewed interest in crocheting. It may not seem like much, but as many reasons I can give myself to get out of bed helps me stay stable. For me, and I think for every other person who is bipolar out there, it’s not all about the base, ’bout the base; it’s all about the mood. (See what i did there? Hey, I’m here all week. Try the veal.)
Alas, I feel the bipolar wolves at the door, even with the excitement over this new blog. These wolves are a lot more scary than the ones with dollar signs attached to them. These wolves bring with them emotional paralyzation, anger, sadness, low self-esteem, and physical immobility. I spend most of my mental energy fighting all this, and what little I have left over goes to the job search, trying to be a good partner to my significant other, and worrying about money. My ability to reflect about all this fabulousness is brought to you by Big Pharma… aka.. my meds, of which there are 4. In times like this I can actually feel them keeping the dam from breaking. It’s almost auditory; the creaking and bending of the wall, the occasional small crack. I’m a big fan of my meds. Does the dam crack sometimes? OH YEAH. Does it break? NO WAY. Before my meds, it was non-existent. But as a good friend told me, it’s those near-death experiences that makee you who you are. And anyway, life is no fun without a leee til bit of crazy.
My last occasion of unemployment lasted 9 months. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again. As someone who has searched for job in both New York City and Philadelphia and it’s ‘burbs, I can tell you there are more jobs for me in NYC. There are just more businesses, more people, more opportunity. I have a lot of reasons for not liking PA, and this is one of the biggest. I think about it most when I’m job hunting.
I was talking to my good friend Josh about this, and I realize the biggest hurdle I have to jump is lowering my expectations. I have become a dinosaur in my field, and my field has become obsolete, as well as my high five figure salary. I think the best I can realistically hope for is between $12-$20 per hour. However, one of the positive things to come out of losing my last job is the realization that I cannot function well under stress in the workplace. I just lose focus and my ability to remember things. However much I don’t like admitting this to myself, there are certain things about being bipolar that I have to take into account: a side effect of my meds is loss of short-term memory. This is affected by stress, which makes me useless on the job. I know now that I need to trade a higher paying stressful job for a lower paying unstressful job. Which sucks, but there it is. With that being said, I have an interview tomorrow for an office admin for a high end doggy hotel. I’m pretty psyched about it. Acceptance does bring peace, even if it’s hard won.
On another note, this all leaves me plenty of time to think about my hair, and how much I love it. I look forward to fiddling with it every day. I’m biracial and so is my hair, so I need to become really high maintenance when it comes to it. There was a saying of Liz Taylor’s I think: “Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”
My hair is my lipstick, I guess. For me, it’s the little things that count, especially when I’m out of a job.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
― Marilyn Monroe