Hello my lovelies! Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I am very excited! I got a new job and I start on Monday!! It’s a nice one for a good company in my area. NOT stressful! I work from 2-10P M-F. It’s an odd shift but I like it. I’m not really a morning person anyway and I have the chance to get a lot done before my shift begins. I’m REALLY REALLY going to try to make the morning productive! I have time to go swimming at the Y, or take some kind of class. I don’t have enough $$ for a mini-tummy tuck, which is what I would love some sweet person to buy me for my bday, 2 weeks from now!! I debated starting a Gofundme for it. For God’s sake, people do it for less important things than that. But do 2 wrongs make for a mini-tummy tuck? Hmm, worth further contemplation.

So. It didn’t take me that long to get work, although the less stress in a job, often the lower the wage. I’m not jazzed about that. Even though I did decide to not buy any clothes for this entire year, I still need to save $$. I still have my dreams of travel: Transsiberian RR and the Isles of Wight and Skye, to name 3.

BUT I am going to NoLa in a few months, with my best friend of my youth! We have reconnected after 24 years and I’m excited to hang with her as a grownup. We are both very different people, of course, since our teenage years.

So it seems I have a lot to be grateful for today, including the fact that I DO have my Valentine of 5 years,and that’s a wonderful thing as well.

Today is a good day, to paraphrase my favorite Klingon….

Blog Boredom…

Sooo…this is the time in pretty much any project I undertake, when I start to feel bored with it. When I started this blog I said to myself that this wouldn’t happen “this time.” How many famous last phrases have begun with this? Too many to count, especially for me.

I start asking myself, as I did today in the shower, why was I bothering with this? I’m a firm believer that this is the age of WTMI (Wayyy Tooo Much Information). EVERYone seems to have a blog these days; EVERYone seems to put online on FB, Twitter, and Instagram, the type and odor of one of their farts it seems. We’ve turned our inward egotism outward and it’s only increasing.

When I had the idea to write this blog I wanted it to be a new way for me to journal, which I have never been good at. I have always felt that it was somehow a character flaw for some reason. Anyhoo, I figured I could maintain this because WordPress also gives you the ability to add videos and pictures, so it wouldn’t be just words, and it would really only be for my own reflection.

But I can’t lie. I was really excited when people started looking at it. I really was! I thought maybe other people would dig what I was saying, so I should keep saying it. Unfortunately, the most “likes” I got was when I discussed my experience with the Coffee Scrub (which I used today again and it’s still awesome). So I was pretty disappointed. Hey, I’m not trying to insult the people who read that post and enjoyed it, I’m just saying that I felt really great after writing that one and started to not feel so great when I didn’t get any likes or comments on my next few. After I wrote a post I would check my WordPress app to see if anyone read it. I felt I was falling into the same FB trap that initiated my limiting my FB time to a few minutes every week.

This is the very same thing that was happening to me now. I was confronting my desire to please others head on and I was losing. This is my first post in days. As I was thinking about writing this I was talking myself out of it. Who really cares about my thoughts on things? What does what I say matter? Wah wah wah. Just my way of not following through.

So here I am, in the library on one of their computers, writing this. I’m going to promise myself again that I’ll write for me, just me, and not worry whether others will read it or even care. Right now in the back of my mind, there is my ego, pretending to be tiny, hoping in a really small voice that my self-deprecation and honesty will get some people reading and sympathizing. Egos are nasty beasties, aren’t they?

GB for now, (non)readers. Have a fab Thurs!!! Ciao, a’ presto!

Life after 2 classes in a row of Hot (Bikram) Yoga and, a lesson in humility…

Phew!! Man oh man! I haven’t done hot yoga in about 4 years, and that time I still had an uninjured ankle and an ok back. Not the case now!

I went to a great place called J Town Hot Yoga in Jenkintown, PA. For those of you who don’t know how this works, the room is about 100 degrees F. You’re in there for 90 minutes, twisting your body out in some very strenuous poses (asanas).

I used to be a pretzel when I was younger. I was an avid runner, skinny and very flexible. This is so not the case now.  The minute I walked in the studio I was forced to come to grips with this while looking at my reflection in the wall of full length mirrors surrounding the room. This was gonna be rough.

We started the class and from the first pose, I was immediately reminded that, not only was I not whip thin as I used to be, but that every part of my body was stiff as a board, right down to my wrists. Who knew that¬†my wrists weren’t flexible?

I knew that for this class to serve its purpose, I needed to put my ego aside and not have any expectations of my body except to get through the class as best I could. There was no way for this to work unless I stopped remembering myself as I was 10, 20, 30 years ago. It was really hard. If I spent all my time mourning the loss of my flat stomach there was no point in being there at all. I had to stay present.

While I was grappling with this, my back started hurting from minute 1. Three quarters of the class is done standing, and my ankle that I sprained back in August started hurting in minute 2. How frustrating and crappy could this be? How could my body betray me like this?

So endeth¬†this rant.¬† The reality is I AM getting older and I have to stop avoiding situations where I’m confronted with that fact. The hard part, which I am very grateful for as well,¬† is that I still feel 30 on the inside. It’s hard to square that up with the fact that exactly¬†28 days from today, I’ll have one more year before I am a half a century old!!

I will be going back to yoga tomorrow, 3rd day. Life’s a bitch and then you sweat…Namaste!

 

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26 laps at the Y! Water is gooooddd…deep conditioning my hair in the sauna, & there are boyfriends/there are girlfriends/but there’s no friends like old friends….

So I went to the Y today to swim laps…..first time in a few months. It’s been so cold in the recent past that I just want to stay in my nest! But the weather was nice today and I’m tired of not liking the body looking back at me in the mirror, so it’s time.

The water was so nice and cool; just the right temperature, and I really enjoyed myself. It’s really hard for me to get motivated to go that first time, after not having exercised in a while, but once I go, I’m motivated to keep going. I’m just not a winter person. It’s so much easier for me to be active in warm weather.

Usually with bipolar disorder, when the days get longer and the sunlight gets more frequent, it brings out the mania. I can feel the light in my body before I see it or the days start getting longer. I can feel the energy building up. Mania in the extreme is just as bad as extreme depression. When I’m being smart, I jump on the manic train and use it to motivate myself to do stuff, like going swimming and getting off my ass today.

The best part of the Y for me is not the great pool, but the hot tub and the sauna. I’m a real spa baby so I love everything that has to do with steam and heat. I start out my laps thinking about rewarding myself with the hot tub and sauna when I’m done. I go from the hot tub back into the pool, like the Eastern Europeans do it. The alternating cold and hot really stimulates your system. It’s good fer¬†ya! Same goes for the sauna. But today I took my Devachan One Condition with me, soaked my head in it, and used the sauna as a giant heat cap! You’re not supposed to put stuff on you when you go in there, but it was only on my hair and no one could tell. My hair feels awesome.

I just wish that everyone could be naked in the sauna. There have been some places in NYC that I used to go to that were more European, so men and women shared it, no bathing suits required. There was nothing sexual about it. No one cared and it was great. I actually forgot I was nude and was just able to relax. And my whole body could absorb the heat. Americans are so paranoid, in general, about nudity. It’s a remnant of our collective Protestant culture in America.

Anyway, I would advise if you have the chance to strip, DO IT!

Several days ago, I got back in touch with my best friend from high school. It had been 24 years since we last spoke. It was so great to hear from her. We were texting and then we talked on the phone, and the old rhythm just took over again. The last 24 years fell away, and we were just talking on the phone as we used to do, laughing and talking about old times. I missed her so much and I’m so happy we are back in touch. I think it’s so wonderful to have people in your life who “knew you when.” In our case, we met when we were 14, freshman year of high school. We remained friends for the next 10 years or so. Then life happened and we lost touch. That’s a long time to know someone; from the brink of adolescence to adulthood, with the painful years of high school jammed in the middle. I am lucky enough to have several high school friends that I’m still in touch with, and it’s one of the most valuable things in my life. I’m an only child, so I don’t have brothers and sisters to share old memories with. Having these people in my life also reminds me of the person I used to be, in all the good ways. I still don’t feel comfortable, after more than a decade, of living in the suburbs. It’s odd and lonely for me. My old friends help me feel grounded, and when I’m with them, I’m in a place “where everybody knows my name.”

Ciao, mi ei amici! Saluti!!

Watch “Partridge Family, David Cassidy, I Think I Love You” on YouTube

I just listened to this song while driving home today; so sweet and innocent. Such a happy love song. It always makes me smile no matter how many times I hear it.

As I’m sure most of you know, David Cassidy died a few months ago. For some reason this made me really, really sad, even more sad than I felt with the death of Prince. It seemed, with Cassidy’s death, I lost a little bit of something, but what? For several days before he died and a little while after, I had no idea why I was so moved. I finally realized that he and this song meant more to me than I thought. He represented the innocence and happiness of my childhood, before lots of stuff happened to me that quickly ended that phase of my life

Every time I listen to it I feel all that promise again, and all the sadness of its loss.

I actually thought I was making too much of this, but I saw that several of my contemporaries posted the same sentiment with almost the very same words I expressed it. We were all puzzled about how sad we were with his death, and we all felt the loss of a little more purity and sweetness of childhood.

Right before he died, his family said his last words were, “so much wasted time.” It made me think about all the time we had in front of us while watching The Partridge Family as 5 or 6 year olds, hearing this song for the first time. It really does seem just like yesterday, but it was so much further back than that.

In the words of the immortal and, still sexy, Rod Stewart, “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.”